Because this Sunday is Easter Sunday, and because Easter Sunday is a big Sunday in many churches (meaning the house will be fuller than usual, with many people who don’t normally do church all that regularly), I thought I’d offer some advice regarding how (not) to approach worship with us at Capitol City – or any church – this Sunday morning:
1. On Sunday morning, be sure to park as close to the church building as possible. This first one is simple: you have a favorite place to park in our parking lot, a place that is convenient for you and your family and gives you easy access to our facility. Make sure you arrive early on Sunday so that you can lock that spot down…You don’t want those non-church people nabbing your real estate.
2. Stake your claim to your favorite chair/pew early. Similarly, realize that its really important that you lock down your seat before someone who doesn’t know better grabs it. You know the kind of spot that I’m talking about – near the back of the room, or on the aisle so you don’t have to climb over or speak to anyone when you enter the room. Those are prime spots, and the less-than-regulars who will show up on Sunday will be drawn to them. Stake your claim early so that you don’t get stuck near the front of the room, in the middle of a row, or – God forbid! – both.
3. Scowl early, scowl often. Now I know that worship on Easter Sunday, as we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, should be a joyous event. But all those extra people in the church building are a real inconvenience. Make sure that you communicate nonverbally how much they are putting you off. Scowl, avoid eye contact, and steer clear of casual conversation. Under no circumstances should you smile at or greet someone you don’t know.
4. Quickly exit the building after the service concludes. Do everything in your power to avoid fellowshipping with or engaging guests to our church on Sunday. The minute the service ends, make a mad dash to that prime parking spot you snagged earlier. Make sure everyone knows that you don’t intend to be last on the waiting list at Chili’s. Even if it means pancaking an usher or running down the elderly lady manning the nursery checkin kiosk, take no prisoners.
5. Stay up late the night before. I’m already planning the location and duration of my Sunday afternoon nap. Because that’s locked in, its really not important that I get a good night’s sleep the night before, right? Adequate sleep (or lack thereof) on Saturday will have no bearing on your attitude towards others, your spirit and posture in worship, or your ability to focus on the sermon. So don’t hesitate to binge on all of those Friends reruns you’ve missed out on lately…sleep can always wait.
6. Remember that church on Sunday is all about you. Your convenience and the quality of your experience are the most important things here, so make sure that you go into the day doing everything possible to eliminate the things that might detract from you. Don’t invite any lost friends or neighbors to church with you, because they will only get in your way. Remember that things will be back to normal next week when all those pesky extra people will be gone, so just grit your teeth, barrel through, and you’ll be fine.